I am not a fan of giving talks in sacrament. Or teaching adult church classes. Apparently even though I bought a little time a few months ago by rejecting my husband's asking me to be a speaker in sacrament, I wasn't destined to avoid these two things forever. I was asked to give a talk by the other member of the bishopric two weeks ago (and you can believe I grilled my husband to see if he had anything to do with that), and was also recently asked to lead an emotional resilience class as well for our ward's relief society. So I guess God's plan right now isn't quite my own.
When I was given the topic for this talk, I didn't feel any words come to me, only feelings. Feelings which I honestly cannot describe. The topic is incredibly personal and resonated with me deep in my soul. For several days I sat at my computer each day, willing the words to come. Finally on about the fourth day I was successful and I do believe that the spirit guided my writing and transposition. I would like to share my thoughts with you, if you will allow.
I grew up in a family with four children, and I am currently the only child whom is still a member of the church. My mother has always told me that I was her child that was born with a testimony. Although in many ways I agree with her, I also think it is a peculiar title because there have been many times in my life when it has felt my testimony has been held by a thread. The first real challenge of my faith came to me in high school. I had a best friend who was not a member of the church. During our times spent together we had several talks about faith and our beliefs. Her father was the leader of a local non-denominational church. I was very interested in the differences between our churches. I was lent and read materials given to me by my friend and attended a meeting. It was during this time that I realized my natural compulsion to finding truth. Although I had never doubted the gospel of Jesus Christ, I also was not closed to the idea that perhaps there was truth that I had not yet learned. I found a bond with Enos who said : “And my soul ahungered; and I bkneeled down before my Maker, and I ccried unto him in mighty dprayer and supplication for mine own soul; and all the day long did I cry unto him; yea, and when the night came I did still raise my voice high that it reached the heavens.” It happened to be that around this time, there was held an area wide youth celebration for the anniversary of Joseph Smith’s first vision. I arrived at the arena with my young women’s group and each of us was given a glow stick. At the end of the program, the lights went out and one by one each participant broke their glow stick and held it in the air, signaling the spread of the gospel of Jesus Christ. The spirit washed over my entire body, and confirmed to me that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God, and that the truthfulness of the whole gospel must stem from it. It was as President James E. Faust has said “We can have a… testimony that… Joseph Smith was a prophet commissioned to restore the Church in our day and time without having a complete understanding of all gospel principles. But when you pick up a stick you pick up both ends.” My experience in that arena became the foundation for my true conversion to gospel of Jesus Christ.
That day changed my life, although it did not shield me from trials of faith thereafter. Liz Stitt, in a column for the church’s website, said “Sometimes I think we may feel that because we believe in the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, all things should be easy for us to accept. So when we hear or see things that don’t make sense to us or that don’t feel the same way for us that the rest of the gospel does, I think we’re sometimes inclined to doubt it all. To throw it away. To leave. But I believe Christ invites us to come and stay anyway, no matter where we are.” If you, like me, struggle at times, there can be comfort in knowing we are not alone. There are many examples of righteous men and women in the scriptures who have faltered. Some include those who have personally seen the Savior, perhaps most notably Joseph Smith, whom pled while he suffered in Liberty Jail, saying “Oh God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?”
In the book of Mark, we learn of the Savior coming upon a discussion between his disciples and the scribes that had drawn a great crowd. Seeing this, he asked the scribes “What question ye with them?” A man came forth and explained that he had asked the disciples to cast an evil spirit out of his son, but they could not. The father fell to his knees and begged Jesus, saying “if thou canst do any thing, have compassion on us, and help us.” Jesus responded “If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth. And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.”
When the pandemic shut down the world, I was certain that it would take a toll on the mental health of myself and many others. It turns out I wasn’t wrong. While many others became significantly stronger in their faith through the newly implemented Come Follow Me program, I cannot say the same was true for myself. I found myself failing to do even the basic “seminary answer” things. This led to discouragement and wondering if perhaps I didn’t really have faith in the gospel, because if I believed it why wasn’t I doing the things the Lord asked? The downward spiral that followed found me like Ms. Stitt mentioned, “inclined to doubt it all. To throw it away. To leave.” Then one night my husband asked me a simple question. Do you believe in God? My answer was simple. Yes. No matter what the circumstance, I know I will always believe in God and my Savior Jesus Christ, for I have had too many experiences in which “I knew it, and I knew that God knew it, and I could not deny it.” With this simple but sure foundation, I shifted my attention to asking the Lord to “help… mine unbelief.” Within a few days, I was blessed to have the spirit rejoin my life on a more consistent basis. It was clear to me that the Lord had never left, but had been patiently waiting for me to come back to Him. I had been so focused on the hefty commandment to “be ye therefore perfect” that I had lost sight of the mark. I had not become instantaneously perfect, and I received assurance that that was not what He was requiring of me. I felt that I had to give him the plant, but all he was asking for was the mustard seed.
In our mortal journey, we cannot receive all truth and knowledge at once. Our minds could never handle nor comprehend it. Like Joseph Smith and the Savior himself, we must learn line upon line, and precept upon precept. There is no guidebook on when these teachings will come to us or how we will react to them, we can only be assured that in due time, the spirit will reveal the truth of all things. For many of us, the spirit’s timing may be the hardest part to endure. On certain topics, we may walk through the valley of shadow our whole lives, not knowing why a commandment has been given, a teaching has been taught, or a trial has been ours. It is easy to forget the Lord’s gentle reminder “for my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways… for as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts”. To get through these times, we may ask the Lord to help us strengthen our faith, the hope of things which are not seen, which are true, so that we may wash away the unbelief. Nephi, who is hailed as one of the greatest heroes in the Book of Mormon, knew the process of waiting patiently for confirmation of the spirit intimately. Although his own father Lehi had been granted visions by God, Nephi was not sure if he believed. He prayed to the Lord frequently for understanding. After some time, he said “And behold, he did visit me, and did soften my heart that I did believe” (1 Nephi 2:16). Nephi did not receive an answer immediately after his first prayer. The answer came with time, and a ready heart. Later, when Nephi himself was granted a heavenly vision, he did not understand the meaning of it. When an angel asked him, he replied “I know that [God] loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things. (1 Nephi 11:17).
As we study the struggles Nephi, the man with the son afflicted with an evil spirit, and others who came out on the other end of their doubts with stronger spiritual perseverance, we see a pattern. The precursor for each of these is not perfect knowledge, but faith. President James E. Faust taught: “To all those with lingering doubts and questions, there are ways to help your unbelief. In the process of accepting and rejecting information in the search for light, truth, and knowledge, almost everyone has—at one time or another—some private questions. That is part of the learning process. … To those who believe but wish their belief to be strengthened, I urge you to walk in faith and trust in God. Spiritual knowledge always requires an exercise of faith”
We know that faith without works is dead, but likewise true faith leads us to action. They are siblings. These actions do not need to be grand gestures. The man’s son was healed because he had the faith to bring him to the Lord. Nephi received visions and miracles through prayer. In Moses’ day, followers had to simply look to the brazen serpent to live. L. Whitney Clayton of the First Quorum of the Seventy said “Each day we decide what we will do and what we will not do, among myriad alternatives. When we choose to obey the commandments cheerfully as our first priority, neither murmuring about nor measuring the things He commands, we become… fishers of men and cast our nets on the right side of our own ships. We simply go and do the things the Lord has commanded, even when we are weary, trusting that He will help us to do exactly as He asks. As we do so, the Lord helps our unbelief, and our faith becomes powerful, vibrant, and unshakable… No matter who we are or where we live, there is much about our daily lives that is routine and repetitive. As we go about this dailiness, we must be deliberate about doing the things that matter most. These must-do things include making room first for the minimum requirements of faithful behavior…No other daily vitamins strengthen the muscles of our faith as fast as these actions.” Further, President Faust has counseled “We acquire a testimony of the principles of the gospel by obediently trying to live them… A testimony of the efficacy of prayer comes through humble and sincere prayer. A testimony of tithing comes by paying tithing. Do not let your private doubts separate you from the divine source of knowledge. Prayerfully go forward, humbly seeking eternal light, and your unbelief will be dispelled… [go] forward with faith, and you will find that your faith will increase. Like a good seed, if it is not cast our by your unbelief, it will swell within your breast.”
As we daily exercise our faith with a sincere heart and real intent, the Lord will multiply our efforts. The foundation of our testimony will be strengthened, so that when it seems all our walls are down, we still stand. God loves each of us. There is no trial we face that he does not know about. He is mindful of the world of information and confusion that we live in. He knows that we do not know everything and will always meet us where we are to lift us up if we turn to Him for help and understanding. Let us remember 1 Peter in which we find these comforting words : “Wherein ye greatly rejoice, though now for a season, if need be, ye are in heaviness through manifold temptations: that the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honor and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ: Whom ye have not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory: receiving the end of your faith, even the salvation of your souls”.
I believe that these blessings are true, and I say these things in the name of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, amen.
