Anxiety

When KC was growing up he was sure that he wanted to be an orthopedic surgeon. As he started medical school he still felt that that was the dream. When he began studying Psychiatry as part of his medical school learning, he fell in love. He was incredibly hesitant at first because there is a stigma surrounding mental health. When he told me that he wanted to learn more and possibly pursue a residency in Psychiatry I felt similar critical sentiments - why do you want to waste your medical school training? You wouldn't even be using your medical tools or picking up a stethoscope ever again. You did all this to become a therapist? (Which, for the record, psychology and psychiatry ARE two different things.) Those were feelings I had to work through myself - and ultimately I have always felt strongly that he should do what he loves and is passionate about. So that's the path he and we have taken. As he goes to his work now in residency, I love watching him come home in the evening. He loves going to work every day. He is growing, he is learning, and he is excited to do it. This is his calling.

I don't know whether to call it poetic, but almost a year and a half ago I myself was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). I have often felt incredibly guilty for KC because not only does he deal with this at work, but then has to come home and deal with it here as well. I couldn't be luckier to have a husband who loves me beyond what I think I understand and is so patient in my worst times.

For the last few months my anxiety hasn't been well controlled, the last few weeks being the worst. Since being diagnosed with GAD I have really come to realize how many people don't understand what living with anxiety is like. There is a marked difference between having normal anxiety and having anxiety clinically.

I am now coming to terms with that I may have GAD for the rest of my life. When I was diagnosed and treated with a thyroid disorder in my youth, I had no problems taking a pill every day for the rest of my life. But this has been different. Perhaps it is my own pride. When my thyroid isn't under control I don't feel the effects as much as I do when my anxiety isn't controlled. I really do sometimes hate having GAD because the emotional effects can be harder than physical ones.

So what is it like, to have clinical anxiety? I think the best description is tense and tiring. My body carries tension, especially my jaw, which has led to teeth grinding issues. Repetitive thoughts take hold all day long. Sometimes these thoughts are irrational. And in the back of your mind you know it's irrational, but you can't stop thinking about it, even though you know you should. (This is why you can't tell someone with anxiety to "just snap out of it". They want to. But they literally can't.) So you can spend the whole day thinking and with tension in your body until at night, you are exhausted. But then you can't fall asleep because of the thoughts swirling around in your head. It can be pretty easy to get into a downward spiral - especially if the irrational thoughts are self deprecating ones.

Everyone has moments of anxiety. But when it began to interfere with my ability to complete daily activities and interact with others in a usual manner, that's how I knew I needed help.

So why am I sharing this now? I don't know. I just feel like it's important to break barriers and be heard. Although mental health stigma is getting better, there is still a lot of it out there. So many people actually have mental illness, but you would never know it because from the outside they seem to be functioning just fine. But mental illness is just as real as any other illness that you CAN see from the outside.  If those who suffer are like me, there is still a bit of fear to share because you don't want to appear as weak or unusual.

I may find myself being more open and sharing my experiences with GAD in the blog in the future. If you have any questions about it feel free to ask!